Teach your children well

I'm not the only caregiver who is a child of a resident.  I might be the only one who goes everyday to feed my mom but there are other children who regularly come to care for their parent.  Two sisters share the responsibility and divide the visits between themselves.  They come to care for both of their parents who are living in different areas of the facility.  It's very touching really as they have a private support worker who also comes in every dinner hour and transports their mother over to their father's wing so that their parents can eat dinner together every night.  Many residents have children that come every couple weeks or so and sadly, some residents have no family or children left to come and visit them.
The 'kids of care', as I call us, are often feeding our parent at the same table.  Of course we chit chat about our lives but we also use that opportunity to compare notes about our parents and compare notes about the standards of care that our parents are receiving.  One thing is very common between us, we all feel that the standard of care could be better and we also have a tendency to complain to management if we feel the need to.  The administration staff know us all on a first name basis.  It's not that the facility is lacking, in fact honestly, I couldn't ask for better.  It's because they are our parents and we insist that they receive the highest quality of care, even more.  Because of that  we have a tendency to bitch about things that in the scheme of things, are trivial.  We do it because that's what our parents did for us.  My mother defended me, went to bat for me and always made sure that whatever need I had, was met.  I am doing the same for her.
When my daughter was visiting last month I watched her care for her grandmother and it warmed my heart.  While she was feeding mom, and a little bit shaky, I told that she needs the practice as she might be feeding me some day.  Dylan looked at me and said "Mom, I won't put you in home".
I later thought about that statement and realized how many times I had said the same thing to my mom.  Sometimes it was said in reassurance and other times it was said jokingly "No mom, I won't  put you in a home because you'll probably out live us all".  There was also times in anger where I said "Mom, smarten up, someday I'll be caring for you and I'll reserve a room at the home for you if you don't stop".   I didn't know of the foreshadowing in my statement.  The fact is that many people my age are facing this dilemma.  They watch as the health of their parents deteriorates or they hear the diagnosis of dementia and they have to then stop joking about it and really think about it.  Families with an ailing parent need to sit down and start making plans for the future care of their parents.  From experience I can say that it's not as easy as you think and services aren't as accessible as they should be.  You can't just phone an extended care facility and make a reservation.  The wait times for admission are getting longer and longer and anyone whose future includes caring for an ailing parent needs to get a plan in place now.  Failing to plan is planning to fail and we can't fail our parents.
Ryley asks about his grandma all the time.  He recently asked if she was going to die.  It's not something that you can candy coat for kids when they ask something like that so I was honest and I said "Eventually she will but eventually all of us will".  He also asked if I'm going to get sick like grandma has.  Again, it wasn't something I could candy coat so I was honest and said "I might Ryley, I really don't know but that is years and years in the future and you don't need to think about such things now."  Ryley smiled and said "I know mom, but I want you know that you don't need to worry, I'll take of you just like you take care of grandma".
I hugged him closely and I choked back the tears.  I am proud of myself and confident in the decision I made to come home.  It helped me to teach my children well because my mom taught me well.