The daily rollercoaster ride

Everyday I go through the full gamut of emotions.  Happy, sad, angry, indifferent and even numb and sometimes even all of these at once.  When mother is alert and in the present I am happy.  She will say something or be aware of the conversation and add her two bits in or she will read the news or enjoy the pages of a magazine or sing the words to a song and she knows who I am and who the nurses are and where she is.  I know she is there so I cherish those minutes or hours that's she is with me.  But also during these times I will get sad.  It is during these times that mom is maybe too aware.  She wants to say something but can't.  She wants to go for a walk but can't.  She wants be knitting or having coffee with a friend, but she can't.  She is well aware that she is peeing in a diaper and that her hands won't let her scratch her nose and that her back might be hurting but she can't tell anyone.  She'll watch the people who can and then she will cry.  So I cry too.  It is during the crying times that I sometimes hope that something in her mind will switch and she'll start sun downing and get lost in the voids in her brain, just so she won't cry.  Then I feel guilty for thinking that and then I get angry that the universe or God or whoever has allowed this to happen and then I get numb because there is nothing I can do to change the fact that my mother is dieing in a slow and cruel manner.
Just this past Sunday one of the residents of mom's ward passed away.  He and mom were both C1 status and although their dementia's were different, they were very much the same.  On Saturday night at dinner, I took Eddie his soup as he could still feed himself and swallow minced food.  He didn't talk but he grunted a thank-you and I put his bib on him.  Sometime in his sleep, he peaked a fever and was unresponsive in the morning.  The staff called his family and early Sunday afternoon he quietly and peacefully passed away.   He was a former chief of his reserve so they laid his body for viewing in one of the large rec rooms.  In the afternoon at least 300 hundred people from the reserve came to pay their respects.  I did too because I knew him and  two of his daughters, Eddie and Elsie had 11 kids, and I'm some of you reading this played hockey with his boys.
Robbie and Eddie were friends and I saw Robbie sitting solemnly in the dining area.  The two of them always ate together and everyday Robbie would come to me to get Eddie's coffee for him.   Robbie plays crib everyday and everyday he would have the staff go and get Eddie so that he could watch the game.   I went over to Robbie and I asked him if he would like to go and pay his respects.  He nodded yes and I wheeled him over to the rec room.  Robbie took his friends hand and sat for a moments and then he nodded and smiled at Eddie's body, as if they had just spoken some unheard words to each other.  Robbie then motioned me to take him back to the dining room and I did.  He grabbed my hand in his hands and as he cried he mouthed the words thank you.  I nodded and left him to his grief.  Robbie is 96 and has outlived so many people in his life including a wife and children.  As I walked towards mom's room I cried for Robbie because it must be terrible to slowly lose yourself AND the people around you. One of the workers asked how Robbie was and I told her.  Deneen told me that I need to be prepared and I asked why.  She said that it can happen that quick and they prefer that, a peaceful passing not one of infection and pain.  I went and said good night to mom.
The next day when I went to collect mom I noticed that her hands were swollen and her wedding ring was tight on her finger.  I used some cream and gently removed it.  I checked her feet and ankles and they too were swollen, so much so that I removed her socks.  I went and found the nurse practitioner and she too looked at the edema.  All she could say is that she would keep tabs on it and tell the workers to monitor it and not to put socks on if it continues and she rubbed my shoulder.  Mom is a C1 resident, so no intervention will be done.
Mom discovered at age 70 that she only has one kidney.  The woman had three kids, numerous surgeries and injuries but having one kidney was not noticed until she was 70.  Edema is one of the first signs of kidney failure.  I found it odd that only days after losing a resident, mom's kidney might be headed for failure.  Having worked with renal patients and the Kidney Foundation I have seen many people pass away from renal failure.  Many of the them by choice.  When the realize that they will never get a kidney transplant or they are told that they are no longer a candidate for transplant they choose to stop dialysis.  Many that I knew had been on dialysis for 7 or more years and they have no life being hooked up to a machine 3 to 5 times a week for 5 hours at a time.  Their disease is their life and they choose to go to a hospice for their remaining days and that's all it takes, days.  One guy I knew well, Bob was his name, and he called me and told me he was stopping dialysis as he had been removed from the transplant list.  He was going to the hospice the following day and he asked if I would bring him a couple packs of smokes and two bottles of Rye, things he wasn't allowed for many years.  I did and 5 days later Bob peacefully passed away.
So as I thought about it, I said to myself that if mom's kidney is starting to fail, that's a good thing because it is a pain-free and gentle death and I was pleased.  Then moments later I was angered because mom can't choose to stop dialysis today and pass away in 5 days and then I was sad because I'm really enjoying this time we have together.
Later in the day mom and I sat in the dining area and we looked at a magazine.  There was an article about the Mayan Caribbean.  I read it out loud to mom and she looked at the pictures.  She started to cry again.  Mom loved to travel and has been to the Mayan Caribbean many times.  I started to cry again.  I cried happy tears though because I've had some good times on holidays with mom.   We met some wonderful people and I have incredible memories.  Mom cried because she is sad, she knows she will travel again.  In that moment my tears changed to sad tears.  I cried because I realized I'll never travel ever again with mom.  I cried because I feel her pain.

          This is my finger with the wedding/anniversary ring that dad had made for mom.