For life

When I was a kid, my friend Laura and I would often venture to her grandparents by the Miner's hall.  We would listen to her grandpa and her grandmother would make us tea and cookies.  In fact, it was Mrs. Smith who taught me how to brew a proper cuppa.  To me and still to me this day, that's the image I have elderly couples.  They downsize to a smaller house that is adorned with the remnants and knick knacks of their life together and spend their days together.  The old folks home, in my mind, was full of widows and widowers.  It was a place where a husband would go if he lost his wife because he couldn't cook or clean and it was a place where a widow would go because she was lonely.  Of course, I have since learnt that is not the case.
At mom's facility and at many facilities across the country there are couples who reside at them, together.  Many are in the assisted living quarters and some live on different wings of the facilities because they have different needs and capabilities.  There is one couple that mom and I dine with everyday.  They moved into the assisted living side, 7 years ago, together.  Over time the wife developed dementia and had to be moved out of assisted living.  That must have been very hard for Bob.  Everyday at lunch and dinner he comes to assist his wife with eating.  It is the most loving thing to watch.  Some days the staff will try to feed her before he  arrives and she will close her eyes and pretend to be asleep and some days she will simply say "No".  She isn't asleep and she isn't being finicky, she is simply waiting for her husband to come and he always does.  If for some reason he can't, he makes sure to find me or a staff and is adamant that we tell his wife he won't be there and always says "Make sure she understands or else she'll keep waiting for me and won't eat".  It's true, if she thinks she is waiting for Bob, she won't eat but if she understands that he isn't coming, she will.  They recently celebrated 65 years of marriage.
One day Bob asked what my husband thinks of me coming everyday to feed mom lunch and dinner.  I had to respond that I'm not married.  I had to explain that I'm not married and that I've never been married.  "Oh," said Bob, "are you a lesbian then?" he asked.  I laughed because when you are 90, I guess you can ask any question you want.  I told him that I'm not and that I would rather light myself on fire, than get married, my standard answer to the question.  Bob said "Well you must be one of those who think it's an institution".  I had to explain to Bob that wasn't the case either.  I believe in marriage and I admire people who are committed to each other, the marriage and the vows but I simply haven't met someone who is amazing, and who takes those vows seriously.  I explained to Bob that most people today go into marriage not with the belief that it will be forever but with the belief that they can always get divorced and no one wants to put the work into making it work forever.  Bob nodded and said "Well that's good and you just keep on waiting then because marriage IS work and you get married for life".
There is a gentleman who at least once a week gets me to relay a message to his wife who is on another ward. "Tell her I love her and that I'm thinking of her," is what he always gets me to say and I do.  Sometimes she doesn't know who I am talking about and other times she sends a message back and it too is always the same message "Tell him I miss him".  There is another couple who's children have arranged for a private worker to come in everyday at dinner and assist their parents with eating so that they can have at least one meal together a day and at least one hour together a day.  Then there are some who walk around in sadness because their spouse has passed.  My time at mom's home and my time with the couples and widows and widowers that reside there has given me a different perspective on marriage and my talks with Bob have really helped me gain that perspective.
Many times I have asked Bob how his marriage has endured and if it was always happy and if he ever considered wandering, etc, etc.  Bob has graciously always answered my questions with the truth.  He admitted that by his estimates, if he added all the nights he spent on the couch, it would total a good year, maybe more.  But he also told me that the time spent on the couch was needed because both him and his wife didn't sleep and the quiet of the night forced them to think about the issue and by morning one of both of them would be willing to admit the wrong and then they would work on finding the compromise.  "Marriage is work and negotiations," he said.
One day I gave Bob the movie 'Jerry Macguire' to watch and I asked him to give me his opinion on it.  A few days later he watched it and over dinner we had a big discussion.  There were elements of the movie that he liked.  "Working together for a common goal is important," he said.  So I asked him, what was your common goal and he laughed "Well, we were farmers so it wasn't to be rich or famous like in the movie, our goal was happiness and we did what we needed to be happy with each other and with our life and we did it together".  I asked Bob what he didn't like about the movie and he piped up, loud and clear "That you complete me stuff is utter bullshit."  Now I laughed out loud at that one because I too think it is the stupidest line in the movie.  Bob explained that he and his wife had lots in common and they had lots of differences too but they were both 'complete' people before they got married.  Bob explained to me that the commonalities with him and his wife made some things easier in the marriage but it was the differences that made things interesting in the marriage.  He likened it to two links on a strong chain.  The links are solid and complete and on their own are strong.  When you put two complete and solid links together, they are even stronger.  I had my 'aha'/Dr. Phil moment right there and then. 
So, I no longer would rather light myself on fire than get married.  Not that I'm in any way, shape or form 'marriage minded'.  More like if Mr. Amazing were a complete link, I'm ready to consider linking together and 'consider' is the operative word there.  As this blog is read by over 8000 people world wide, maybe Mr. Amazing lives in Ireland or is named Johnny Depp or Adrian Brody.