Stuffing

I can remember last Thanksgiving very vividly.  It was the start of a journey with my mom.  It was the day that I decided I would be by my mother until her time came. It was the day I realized that mom wasn't going to be around much longer.  It was the day that I started feeding my mother like she was a child.  It was the day the journey started.  It was the beginning of the end, or so I thought.   My own life was in shambles.  I was a 40 something woman now living in the basement of her father's house and my mother was slowly dieing right in front of my eyes.  I was bitter and resentful and I didn't think there was fuck all to be thankful for.   I was wrong.  I was sooooooo wrong as I have so many things to be thankful for.

I am very thankful for friends, old and new.  Coming back home and seeing so many familiar faces brought a happiness back into my life that was very much needed. The phonecalls, the emails, the coffee's at Starbucks and the support of my friends helped me to make it through a very difficult time without completely falling apart.  Thank you to my tribe.  I am also thankful for the many new friends that came into my life, although some very briefly.  We shared a commonality that only the loved ones of a person with dementia know and because of that we bonded very intimately and very quickly.  We shared laughter, we shared  advice, we shared secrets, we shared tears and we shared pain, a lot of pain.  The pain of losing a person to dementia is different from anything else because you lose them twice.  You lose them once to the dementia as the pieces of the person they once were slowly disappear and then you lose them again when their body finally decides to go.  That pain can take a caregiver to very dark and dank places.  Without the love and understanding of the friends I made over the past year I would have gotten lost in that darkness and their light led the way.  Thank you all from the top and the bottom of my heart. 

I am very thankful for family.  My kids have been rock solid through all of this.  I really tried to shield them from the reality but you can't.  I thought they would fall apart when they saw just how sick their grandmother was, but they didn't.  Instead my wonderful kids faced the shit life was giving them with love and compassion.  It was my kids that showed me how my bitterness and hatred of the situation wasn't helping anybody and it wasn't helping mom so I turned it around and life seemed that much better.  The shit still smelled like shit but I didn't have to step in it.   Of course I am thankful for my extended family too who went out of their way to make sure that not only was mom not forgotten but that dad and I weren't either.  A lunch date and many tearful phone calls were had during the past year and every one of them lessened the burden that I was feeling.  I'm thankful for my dad.  When I moved home I expected it to be a nightmare and instead it was a dream come true.  I was fortunate to see facets of my father that I didn't know existed.  I realized just how patient, loving and wise my father is and how very funny he is too.  Most importantly I learned just how strong the roots of my family tree are and how the branches will bend but they will not break.

Finally, I am thankful for the time.  I've spent a third of the time in my life trying to please my mom.  I've spent a third of the time in my life hating my mom.  I've spent another third of the time in my life avoiding my mom.  So, I am today so very thankful that I got to spend 11 months of my life caring for my mom.  That time with my mom helped to heal a lot of pain.  That time together helped me to remember all the good times with my mom and made me literally forget the bad.  That time together  helped me to relive some of the wonderful experiences we shared and create new ones.  That time together helped to even re-write some of the history because mom would go back to moments of her past with me and together we changed the endings.  Most importantly that time together made me realize that she was a wonderful, loving and caring woman and that she loved me and I loved her, I really loved her.

I am allergic to celery.  Yes, it's  98% water but whatever the other 2% is, I'm deathly allergic.  Because of the allergy mom had to modify the traditional turkey stuffing recipe to accomodate me and she did so lovingly.  Besides the pies, mom's stuffing ruled.  Here's the recipe.  Happy Thanksgiving from mom and me.

Ingredients

• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1 pound spicy pork bulk sausage
• 1 cup diced white onion
• 2 cups diced Macintosh apple
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley
• 2 teaspoons minced fresh sage
• 1 bay leaf

• 8 cups bread cubes
• 1 cup  milk
• 1 cup chicken broth
• 2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) butter, melted
• 3 large eggs, beaten to blend

Preparation

Heat oil in heavy large skillet over medium heat. Add sausage; sauté until cooked through and brown, breaking into pieces with spoon, about 8 minutes. Using slotted spoon, transfer sausage to large bowl. Add  next  ingredients to drippings in skillet. Sauté over medium heat until vegetables are soft, about 5 minutes. Discard bay leaf. Add mixture to sausage. (Can be made 1 day ahead. Cover; chill. Reheat to lukewarm before continuing.)

Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter 13x9x2-inch glass baking dish. Add bread to sausage mixture. Whisk milk, broth, and butter in bowl to blend. Mix into stuffing; season stuffing with salt and pepper. Mix in eggs; transfer to prepared dish. Bake uncovered until cooked through and brown, about 50 minutes.