Just a phase

When my daughter was born I got many gifts and cards.  One that sticks out wasn't from my mother, rather it was from my aunt Jackie.  I still have it as it became part of Dylan's memory box.  The card is nothing special but what was written inside has stuck with me and I have written the same things in many cards to first time mothers.  It says 'Congratulations, etc,etc and remember one simple thing, when it comes to children of all ages, everything is just a phase'.  It is bar none the best child rearing advice I was ever given.

Dementia in a way is a return to childhood.  Patients wear diapers, many need to be fed, many do nothing but eat and sleep and many try to communicate but their language and sounds aren't understood.  This describes babies and dementia patients alike.  Where a child grows, changes and develops more behaviours, dementia patients do the same but in reverse.

When I came home, mom pretty much was at a very infantile stage.  Mom was completely dependent on others.  The caregivers decided what she would eat and drink and when she would go to bed and when she would nap and if she needed to be changed.   Once she was relieved from her drugged out stupor, she, well grew up.  In the past few weeks we have been working with her to use a commode when needed, she started feeding herself again, she started speaking again and showing like and dislike for people and things and she is determined to walk.   There only comparison that I have is that mom has entered the terrible two's.  Believe me, it is 100 times more frustrating then when a child is in this phase.

Try to imagine a very articulate 2 1/2 year old.  Children at that age are rigid and inflexible, not physically rather in behaviour.  They don't adapt, they don't give in and the DO NOT wait.  This describes my mother to a tee.  If she wants a glass of juice, she wants it now.  If wants to take a nap, she expects the staff to accommodate her now.  If she wants dad to eat with her than I simply will not do, it has to be dad.  At times, I am laughing but at times I have to walk away to the chapel.  I go to the chapel not to pray but to compose myself and take a lot of deep breaths.  She is at a phase where the entire universe revolves around her and if it doesn't she literally throws a tantrum.

A few days ago my mother made a face at a worker as she walked by.  She also said loudly "I don't like her."

I responded with "Mom, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all and stop making faces at her."  I've said this before, many times, but to my children.

Today, before I arrived, mom had wanted to go back into bed and the nurses would not let her as it was nearly lunch.  When I got there mom was in her room. She had undone the safety belt on her wheel chair and was contemplating getting herself into bed.  I asked her what she was doing and she explained that they won't help her to bed, so she was going to do it herself.  I explained that she isn't strong enough to do that and she exclaimed "Yes I am!!!"

I then scolded her, I actually scolded her.  Thank God dad came in and I went to the chapel, again.  Everyday is a series of I will, I won't, I want, I don't want, go away, stay here.  It's tiring.  In the chapel today is when I thought of my aunt and when I remembered the card.  My aunt was a Godly woman and I think it was her way of helping me find what to do.  As I sat in the quiet of the chapel I decided that we have to face this head on.  We need to streamline the routines and start limiting mom's choices.   Things have to be one or the other, not a plethora of anythings.  We will keep the door on the room shut as it is to heavy for her open on her own and that way she can nap, at nap time.  For lunch and dinner she will have the choice of what is brought or what is on the meal menu from the kitchen because dad and I can't keep running around from restaurant to stores to get her what she wants.  We will have to include her in the meal choices, asking her what she wants for dinner and holding her to that decision and we have to avoid situations where she takes over.  I discussed it with the care givers and with dad and we all agreed.

It saddens me greatly that decisions sound like something out of Dr. Spock, the childhood guru not the character.  If feels strange and unnatural to be thinking like a parent for the care giving of my parent, but that's just the way it is.  This is truly what it feels like when they say that the child becomes the mother.  I really do hope that auntie Jackie was right and that it's just a phase. 

On funny note, mom is like a child now when I get the camera out.  She strikes a pose or refuses to have a picture taken.