My heart is smiling

When my brothers left home, I was just a kid.  First Doug left and then David.  I felt abandoned because they left me, just a kid, to deal with mom and everything that went along with dealing with mom and for a kid, that was a lot.
Life with mom was never normal or easy.  Life with mom was interesting and challenging.  I can say that now but for many years, I couldn't.  I spent the first part of life and childhood doing every thing I could to please her, to get that cup of love from her and to keep her sane.  It never worked, she would always have a psychotic episode and end up in the hospital.  So I never felt that what I did or accomplished was good enough for her and then I twisted that to mean that she doesn't love me.
By the time I was a teenager full of the normal teenage angst, I stopped chasing that cup of love, that I never did get.  I became resentful, bitter and angry, so the next 15 years were spent trying to hate her.  But I could never really hate her either.
At some point I realized that the resent and bitterness served no purpose what so ever and I became accepting of my mother and the person she was.  I looked at it like this, I loved my mother and I really didn't like her but I certainly didn't need to hate her or even try to hate her, because I just couldn't.  Even with all the crap that she pulled, I couldn't hold it against her and I always forgave her, just like she always forgave me.
Being home again and with mom everyday is one of the best decisions I've ever made and not only for mom and dad but for me too.  Suddenly I have been able to look back in time and look at the times with my mother and smile, yes I smile from my heart.  Now I'm seeing that the best thing that happened was my older brothers leaving the nest.  Why, because then it was just me and mom.  Now mom could be not a bit of a controlaholic but a lot of a controlaholic, and looking back, that's wasn't such a bad thing after all.  I can still do plies and petit jetes because she forced me to take ballet and I love going to the ballet to this day.  She forced me to into figure skating but I can skate so well that I was able to teach my kids and I play hockey and appreciate winter sports. She forced me into Jr. Forest Wardens but dammit, I learnt how to camp, light a fire without matches, use a compass, build a lean-to and I'm pretty sure I could do well on Survivor.  I hated music lessons but I can read music and appreciate music and I made sure that my kids do too and my daughter is a very talented musician.  
Mom liked to travel and to get it out my childhood system she took me to both Disneyland and Disney world.   Now, I did not want to go to Britain, mom forced me and I pretended to hate it but Stone hedge was cool as was everything else we saw.  Pearl Harbour didn't really appeal to me but I'm so glad she forced me on that tour because I learnt so much history in one day.  Thanks to mom I know that Mexico is more than tacos and Spain is still one of my favourite places in the world.  Asia, England, Greece, Spain, Hawaii, Mexico and the States were all stamps in my passport by the time I was 13 and that wanderlust stayed with me.  Thanks to mom, half of my bucket list is complete and at a young age I started to view the entire world as my home and not just Canmore.  She planted in me a global awareness that formed who I am.
When mom was sick, it wasn't good.  I had to tend to myself and do many things my self.  I think the term they use today is 'parentified' and everyone, family or friends would always say that Lisa-Marie is 12 going on 30.  I don't think that's a bad thing anymore.  Dammit I'm a strong woman and I was strong young woman and a strong girl and that is thanks to my mom and I'm glad I am.
I owe you mom, I owe you a lot.  So thanks, thank you from the bottom of my smiling heart.