My mother starting slipping in 2009. At first it was little things that she would forget, like the fact that she had already called to tell me something in the morning and then would call again in the afternoon to tell me the same thing. We all noticed it but she was 74 years old and we all attributed it to, well, age.
Eventually things got worse. She couldn't cook anymore because she would forget it was in the oven, so my father ate a lot of burnt food. It got to the point where my father, who never cooked, took up the cooking and together with mom, they would make dinner or even spend a day making muffins or cabbage rolls, but always together.
The housework was another thing. She would sometimes do the floors four or five times, not a week, A DAY. My father compensated by creating a housework schedule for mom. Mondays would be bathrooms, Tuesdays would be dusting, Wednesday would be vacuuming, etc, etc. Eventually mom didn't know how to mop a floor anymore, or use the washing machine, or anything. So, like with the cooking, the housework also became a duty of my father.
My mother shouldn't have been driving even 20 years ago. You were taking your life into your own hands when you drove with her because she was too busy chatting to pay attention. But, she would always get you to the destination and whoever was with her would kiss the ground when they arrived. I can remember a time in Vancouver when she turned on to a one-way street and was driving against the traffic. I was screaming "Mom, what the fuck are you doing?" while shitting my pants. Mom calmly responded "oh quit fussing, they'll move out of the way." That's what driving with mom was like and it was 20 years ago. But when the Dementia started to appear, she would forget to stop at a stop sign or forget to look at on-coming traffic. Off course, she caused a small accident and they took her licence away. She wouldn't sell her car as she believed she would get the licence back if she studied and took the test again. She failed the test so it was then that she realized she would never drive again.
Unable to cook, or clean or drive, mom had nothing to do. She would sit on her chair, crocheting and watching TV. Oddly enough, at this point she could still crochet. But that wasn't enough for mom and she was bored. Will nothing to do, she would pick up the phone and her address book and start phoning everyone in that book. If no one was home she would simply move on to the next person in the book and some of them were dead. She would also call me. Everyday. Many times a day. In fact, she called me so much that one day my son and I decided to count how many times. 14 times in one day and I think some days it was more. Thank God my dad had a long distance plan. They always send the bill with all of the phone calls itemized.and dad was getting bills that were 3-4 pages of phone calls.
The money was another thing. Mom would shop and spend money. I mean lots of money and I mean lots of shopping. She bought a $700.00 bracelet for my cousin, for no reason other than to spend money. She was buying clothes that she didn't remember buying and then accuse my father of having an affair because all of these women's clothes that were in the closet weren't hers. In mom's mind my dad was buying clothes for his fancy women and then storing them in HER closet. If you went to a store or a farmer's market with mom, she always bought something. Dad would laugh. He didn't seem to mind that they had 4 ceramic serving bowls or 7 sets of salt and pepper shakers or another 'new' x-mas tree or another blanket or another set of matching bathroom towels. Dad would simply box things up and store them in a closet or the garage. To this day my dad has 4 boxes of towels in the garage.
At this point things were pretty bad. Mom would forget that quit smoking 10 years earlier so dad would always keep a pack of cigarettes around. She would forget that she had eaten so she was always snacking. She started eating at night, so dad gave her a flashlight to find her way to the fridge in the dark. I hated going to visit because you could never get sleep as she was constantly getting up to eat or have a glass of milk. She was losing her balance and literally bouncing off of the walls. Her ability to walk was going too. She wouldn't pick up feet and would shuffle so she was falling a lot. Yet, she insisted on going for short walks. When we would visit, my son and I would walk with her. She would hold on to us, so she wouldn't fall and we would walk her to the corner and back. I would call out "Come on Ryley, it's time to walk the grandma."
Here we are in 2012, just 3 years from when the symptoms started. Just 3 years. Today my mother lives in an extended care facility. My dad tried as long as her could to keep her home. He was stubborn and naive. I say stubborn because he thinks he can do anything. I say naive because he honestly believed that she would get better. But a big part of this is the fact that my father loves my mother and he didn't to be without her.
So, I made a decision to move back to Alberta and live with my father. My relationship broke up. I hated living in Kamloops and my father was lonely. But the biggest reason for the move is my mother. I know she might not have much time here on Earth left, so I want to be near her. Those who know me might not understand this decision because if you really know me, then you know that my mother and I had an extremely volatile relationship. It was love/hate. It was toxic. It was even a little co-dependent. I don't care. The woman gave me life. The woman took care of me. The woman never gave on me and would defend me with her own life if need be. Mom did a lot for me and I owe her and it's as simple as that.
leissa it's a sad but beautiful story....thx for sharing.
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